I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
