I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
