You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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