The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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