if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
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