My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
