11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
