No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
The uberlube is also flammable
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Randomize
