Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Randomize
