I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Pooping to opera.
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