Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
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