i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
