I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
