they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
