how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
