Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
