So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
