EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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