The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Randomize
