I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
