You're completely useless in the revolution.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
