Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
just come out here and I will go home with you...
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Randomize
