I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize
