Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
