The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
