he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
sarcasm needs its own font
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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