Midget sex pt 2 tonight
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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