I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
