the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
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Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
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don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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