I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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