Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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