There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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