I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Pants are for mortals
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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