my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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