Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
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