At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
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we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
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I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
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