Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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