the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
