Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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