mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize
