If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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