my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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