apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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