Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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