He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
