Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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