She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Randomize
