So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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