I wish I could punch you in the face.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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