The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Randomize
