At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
