The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
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