They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
it's like heaven, but drunker
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
