Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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