would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
