How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
