so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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