I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
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