Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
