She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
You're like the curious george of whores
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
