cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
