she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
it's like heaven, but drunker
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize
