i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
