He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Randomize
