Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
