Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
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After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
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Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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