i think my tv is drunk
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
