so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I'm just crazy horny about you
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
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