This is not my ceiling
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
