I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
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